001 - I'm Sorry
03-14-2014, 09:50 AM
Post: #11
RE: 001 - I'm Sorry
Hi Carlene,

(03-13-2014 01:23 PM)Carlene Wrote:  I'd love to do The Work with you here. Id love to record it verbally and then transcribe it if you're willing. If you want you could even post your Judge-Your-Neighbour worksheet beforehand. I'd be willing to as well.

I posted a JYN sheet in the other thread regarding the issues I have with my parents. Would like to start with that one and then work over to the "I'm Sorry" inquiry should the other one not address it. I feel that it will though as a lot of the issue I have with saying sorry seems to be tied to early childhood conditioning related to my parents and upbringing.

(03-13-2014 01:23 PM)Carlene Wrote:  I don't do The Work on general thoughts anymore. I do it on specific situations, which leaves me zero room to wriggle or cop out. If I do it on general thoughts, I lose the thread, disconnect from the thought and end up questioning I am. A wonderful thought to question, but not the point when I'm having a temper tantrum because my Mom is pushing my buttons.

Totally get this and have found the exact same thing. Specific and petty is almost required for an effective "The Work" session.

(03-13-2014 01:23 PM)Carlene Wrote:  I think that the only way to get past perfectionism is through the shame.

That's interesting. I've been sitting with this since I read it yesterday and I can tell there is something brewing here but the response here is not ready to come out yet. Not that I disagree, but often when I come into an absolute ("the only way....") I find I have to sit with it for a bit before I can comment one way or the other.

(03-13-2014 01:23 PM)Carlene Wrote:  I really am starting to see how much pain I cause when I don't believe I affect people.

I've been looking at this one since yesterday too... I'd never seen this tendency in myself before but I'm starting to see it now. It's sometimes the only way I can explain some of my asshole-like behavior.

(03-13-2014 01:23 PM)Carlene Wrote:  I believe we come into this life with our own path, and possibly even choose the perfect parents to condition us in just the right way so that we have all the ammo we need to wake up.

I tend to lean this way as well and it makes me really wonder what it is that my kids need from me as a parent. Gets tricky if the mind gets involved... paralysis by analysis type of thing.

(03-13-2014 01:23 PM)Carlene Wrote:  I chose to feel the pain of perfectionism, and the agony of having to be right all of the time. I chose a difficult self, just to challenge myself. When I see it this way, I feel less angry at myself and my life, but it doesn't make me want out of it any less.

You have no idea how much I identify with this right now. The last podcast we recorded (due out in 4 weeks I think) had me looking at my current situation (which is beyond fucked in so many ways) and I found that if I looked at things from a "how much more could I possibly take" perspective life was experienced in a very difficult way. But when I shifted that to a "look at how much shit I can take and I'm still rolling!" perspective things lightened up a lot. BUT, I have to keep reminding myself to take that perspective as it's not the "default" one at all. Xd

(03-13-2014 01:23 PM)Carlene Wrote:  To let go of wanting to be perfect, special, enlightened, loveable, etc, I think is my goal. Is that true? Hmmmm... No, Actually, I just want to not resist whatever comes up. I want to be willing to be whatever presents itself and just die into it. Like, die all the way through.
I hope someone knows what I mean by that.

We're on the same page for sure, and our current life experience seems to be mirroring each other quite a bit. Don't think any of this is coincidence. ;)

Love,
Carson horns
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